Transformers!

My Transformer Movie Review

Okay, I just got back from seeing the movie, and here is the review I promised. First of all, I went to the movie with low expectations, and fully understanding that this was not going to be the Transformer movie I wanted.

Also as a lifelong Transformer fan, I did try to give the movie a sporting chance, so given that, it really wasn't so bad. So here goes:

The good:

The good parts were there. The original Optimus voice, and many characters that we remembered, to a point. The trademark ILM special effects. A lot of action scenes. A good bit of adult humor, and of course, seeing the bad guys lose. Shia's acting was one of the things that I have no quarrel with at all. I actually believed this kid was doing what he was doing. He wins in that part.

A lot of the humor included Frenzy as a Decepticon who I think has spent too much time being a chicken. His name actually suited him, and watching him spaz out was pretty funny.

Making 'Bee a Camaro and Ironhide a rough and tough truck I actually agreed with. I never liked their original designs, and these did suit them better.

Several lines that hinted back to the original series such as "Autobots, roll out", "More than meets the eye", and of course…"One shall stand…." made the audience clap at least once.

The scene with the Autobots in Sam's backyard was pretty funny as well. Prime telling the others "Man, I can't believe you guys can't be quiet for five minutes!" while they were hiding was cute.

The bad:

The bad parts were there as well. Hugo Weaving as Megatron was simply wasted. If I didn't know it was him, I would have never guessed it was him. Characters acting very much out of character, such as Ironhide wanting to kill the boy's parents, and threatening to kill Sam's dog.

A bit too much action in certain scenes. Much of it towards the end was almost a blur. The part where Jazz is killed, for example, goes by so quick, if you're not looking for it, you'll miss it. And I think Jazz deserved a better death scene. Or at least the ability for the audience to know what was going on.

The Mighty Decepticons were reduced for the most part, as generic movie bad guys. Half the time, the audience in the theater didn't know who was who. More on that later as well.

Megan Fox. Seriously. The poor girl wore the same expression on her face the entire movie. Whether she was walking down the street, fleeing the cops, or escaping the evil Decepticons, she looked rather bored. Or stoned. Or both, I dunno. She's very pretty, and I'm sure there's a movie out there for her, but…this wasn't it.

Listening to Sam's mom discussing her son masturbating…could have done without that part.

Bumblebee "peeing" on the Sector 7 guy…um..gross. Also, they did leave the Devastator name in…sorry Orci…it wasn't fixed.

The Ugly:

No character development. As much as this movie was touted as "not for the fans", if you weren't a fan in any way, you'd probably be lost as to who was who. And even then, several people there were. More on that later too.

Crappy designs, and a bad script, I could have lived with, but, there was nothing there that drew you in. Nothing that made you want to root for the good guys. Nothing that made you boo the bad guys. Nothing that screamed "This is a Transformer Movie!!"

And that was a shame as there was so much potential. As cheesy as the original cartoon was, it was the characters that you loved. It wasn't the animation, or the plot, it was the Transformers themselves. Autobot or Decepticon, everyone had a favorite, and over the years, we all grew to love all of them. But this movie had none of that.

Sure it was a good action flick, but, it had none of the emotional involvement that has sustained this series for over 25 years, and had spawned a movie, comics, several more series, and tons of fanfic. Dammit! Yes, we all admit it…We want more G1!!

My take of the Characters:

Prime- Done well, but yeah…the flames sucked. Also, lose the lips. Really. Acted like a rather wimpy leader.

Ironhide- Voice was all wrong. Would rather he be red. Character not as I remembered. Ironhide is NOT Dirty Harry.

Jazz- Sounded and acted like a "ghetto thug" in training. Gah…calling the humans "bitches" More gah..

Bumblebee- Liked the Camaro. Getting to talk in the end not explained. Sorta liked him though.

Ratchet- Almost forgot he was in the movie….and lose the lime green paint.

Megatron- Needs Welker. Lose the alien thorn bush look. Saw none of the calculating evil dude we all loved to hate. All we saw was a homicidal raging machine.

Starscream- Only redeeming feature was he only had 2 lines. Got to see him 'tuck tail' in the end, didn't see any of the "Megs/Screamer" friction we all loved.

Barricade/Brawl(Devastator)/Blackout- I was waiting for the "Grr…Me Hulk smash…aaarrrghh!!" line… Just your typical generic bad guys. Such a shame.

Scorponox- Not bad, I guess…but what did they do? Leave him in the desert?

Frenzy- Yeah, he's not the real Frenzy, and his design makes me want to puke, but…almost liked the little buggar. Almost.

A few more things:

I was kinda disappointed in my theater experience. I also go to the opening night for movies like this because, most of the time, it's more entertaining to watch the audience than the movie. But, not this time. Here in Columbus, it opened on 3 screens I believe, and in my theater, many of the employees didn't even know the movie was playing that night. I got there early so I could get a good seat, but, I could have waited.

With 15 minutes till the movie started, there were 18 people there. 18!! A few more trickled in at the last moment, but in all, there were less than 30 people. Wow.

Also, none of the geekinees that I was wanting .Other than one other person, me and my son were the only ones wearing a TF shirt. No hooting and hollering, no enthusiastic clapping…nuttin. So sad.

Also, I think that the movie people should give out programs to show who's who in the movie.

Here's a few snippets of some of the audience around me. So funny it stuck in my head:

(during the freeway scene)

Guy1: Daaaaamn!…Prime kicked Brawls ass!"

Guy2: "That's not Brawl, it's Devastator.."

Guy1: "I thought it was Brawl.."

Guy2: "Naaw, Brawl is the big black one.."

Guy1: (points) "That big one?"

Guy2: "No, idiot, that's Barricade.."

Guy1: "I thought Barricade was the helicopter.."

Guy2: "No..Barricade is the tank."

Guy1: "You said he was the cop car."

Guy2: Wait..I mean that's Brawl."

Guy1: "Dude..the other big black one?"

Guy2: "Um…hang on.."

(behind me, during the Air Force One scene)

Guy1: "Fuck, they made Soundwave a chicken!"

Guy2: "That's not Soundwave, it's Frenzy.."

Guy1: "Then wheres Soundwave?"

Guy2: "He's not in the movie..just Frenzy.."

Guy1: "Then how does Frenzy get there…and he's supposed to be blue..right?

Guy2: "I think he rides in the cop car.."

Guy1: "Soundwaves a car? Is Ravage the K9 dog then?"

Guy2: "No! Soundwaves not in the movie! Sshh!"

Guy1: "Then how does the dog get around?"

No. Freaking. Lie!

In Conclusion:

Would I recommend this movie to anyone else. And how would I rate it?

As a Transformer movie?

It fails. Utterly. Sorry. So, maybe a 3 out of 10.

As a Summer "Michael Bay" Big 'splosions, boobies and lots of action flick?

Yes, it delivers as promised. A 7 out of 10.

As a mix of the two?

Hmm, It's still enjoyable. Not what I wanted, but actually a bit better than I was expecting. So, over all, a 6 out of 10.